Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
