oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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