1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
