Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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