I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
