I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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