I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
