So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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