I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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