If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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