apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
