her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
