i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
