note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
