My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
