last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
