I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
