I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
