mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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