i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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