My liver just broke up with me...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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