remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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