I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found a bag of teeth...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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