he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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