i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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