I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize