Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
