I should be sponsored by Trojan
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
