You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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