he looks like a really good dad on facebook
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
