you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
