uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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