i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
