All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
