Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
