I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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