He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
