i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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