I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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