his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
