I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
