yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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