this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
