So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
