I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize