Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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