He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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