I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
