that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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