you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
