I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
