I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My dick has a subreddit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
