I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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