I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
