You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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