Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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