Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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