It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
