You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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