last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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