I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
