end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
